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669 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let me preface this post by saying no offense is intended to any of my friends from the South (hey I'm from the Southwest), just a little good natured humor. Anyone know any good Yankee jokes? :grin:

40 Things You Won't Hear From a *******

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'


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54 Posts
He's right none of those will be heard at my house.
Especially no.14. I can get up on my soap box about how sweet tea is supposed to be made. I've even threatened to write a book on it. How's this for a title? Sins of the south and Iced Tea Etiquette: JS

An urban legend/true story about two guys that worked for the railroad:
They had to go replace a switching device called a "frog". They arrived to do the job, but realized the nuts holding the thing were rusted and they were going to have to be chiseled off. While doing the task, one of the crewmen cried out because a shard of metal had broken off into his eye. They took him to the emergency room. The admitting nurse got a look of shock in response to her question of, "What happened?" when the answer was, "Well, we were chiseling the nuts off a frog..."

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585 Posts
Well dag nabit! How did you know so much about me?

Tim from Virginia

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474 Posts
On 2001-05-23 11:37, J Sanders wrote:
He's right none of those will be heard at my house.
Especially no.14. I can get up on my soap box about how sweet tea is supposed to be made. I've even threatened to write a book on it. How's this for a title? Sins of the south and Iced Tea Etiquette: JS
JS- Sins? What sins?

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47 Posts
"You're not honoring my diversity!"



"My Therapist says ________"

"I feel like you don't respect my feelings."

"SWISS Brie?"

"Perrier, please?"

"There's never any parking!"

"I think I'm going to covert that old shop out back into a guest house!"

China Blames U. S. for Yet Another Mid-Air Collision
BEIJING - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just weeks after similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a. m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with an American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling "Make 7-Up Yours" marquee had been advertising the soft drink 7-UP, but after the collision, only the words "Up yours" could be seen.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and crash into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet.

"I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. 'Keep it straight. Keep it straight'", said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil!" The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp is "fully responsible for the incident", repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way", Suey was quoted as saying.

"The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant", he was quoted as saying.

If Dear Abby was a man...
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to try a threesome with my sister and me, what do you advise?
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing-your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive Gift, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior to anyone.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband spends nearly every night out with the boys, is this normal?
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior to anyone.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband isn't the least bit interested in foreplay, can he be helped?
A: Foreplay to a man is meaningless, and the question shows that you do not love your man as much as you should, he can't be expected to spend valuable time getting you in the mood, and doesn't need to be saddled with this type of burden, as the brilliant Chinese Female Impersonator (living in Mexico) once said, "I don't need no steenking foreplay!" I think you should make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him his favorite meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm, is this natural?
A: The female orgasm is a myth, fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't ever mention it to him again, and show your love, buy him a nice expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

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384 Posts
"Can we just hold each other tonight, rather than having sex?"

"Cow tipping? How juvenile!"

"I don't understand how any person could dream of eating possum."

"No, I have never been tempted to pick up an animal killed by a car and take it home for supper."
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