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388 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following
conversation took place
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend"
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you
had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf Course or Intercourse?"
She said, "Wear your sweater.


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383 Posts
This bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana, sits at the bar, pounds the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear heard this and got very angry and yelled to the bartender, "I WANT A BEER !!".

The bartender replied, " Sorry we don't serve beer to beligerent bears in Billings, Montana."

The bear is outraged and says, "If I don't get a beer I'm going to eat that woman at the end of the bar!! "

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billins, Montana."

The bear proceeds to go to the end of the bar and eats the woman, returns to his seat and demands a beer again.

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears, who are on drugs in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear yells, " I'M NOT ON DRUGS !! "

The bartender replies,

your gonna love this...

" YOu are now, that was barbitchuate".

if it flies it dies, if it runs it's done

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Peter Zahn on 2001-04-26 22:53 ]</font>

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47 Posts

Okay, I'll follow one bear joke with another.

This Panda walks into an upscale resturant and sits down at the table.
Mr. Panda examines the menu, summons a stunned waiter over, orders his meal and and sits back to wait.

Soon, the food arrives, the Panda digs in and finishes it quickly, then stands up from the table.
He then draws a brace of matched 1911s and proceeds to blow hell out of the resturant, shooting with blazing speed, then does a rather nifty speed reload, holsters his pistols and saunters towards the door.
An intrepid bartender sticks his head up from behind the bar and yells at the bear,
"Hey! What was THAT all about?"

The Panda throws him a look of withering disdain and says, "I'm a Panda. Look it up." and then leaves the resturant for parts unknown.

Later that night, the Bartender sits pouring over Webster's and finds this...

panda (n) large bear like carnivore native to the Himalayas and southern China.
Eats shoots and leaves.

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345 Posts
Hispanic type wanders into a bar in Deadwood. Bartender approaches new customer. He smiles and says:"One tequila for the Latin Lover." Barkeep shrugs and pours his shot.
Few moments later the customer says: "One more tequila for the Latin Lover."
Barkeep pours shot and asks: "What's this about Latin Lover?"
"Oh," says the customer, "whenever I walk down the street I hear the girls whispering "There's that f---ing Mexican!"

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383 Posts
Ways to tell someone their stupid:

1. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
2. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
3. Dumber than a box of hair.
4. Too much yardage between goal posts.
5. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
6. All foam, no beer.
7. As smart as bait.
8. No grain in the silo.
9. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
10. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
11. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
12. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
13. Skylight leaks a little.
14. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
15. Reciever is off the hook
16. Elevator doesn't go to the top floor.

and who can forget:

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

and heres one for those unhappy in marriage:

The Perfect Breakfast:

You're sitting at the table and:
your son is on the box of Wheaties...
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy...
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

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30 Posts
A man goes into a bar. Over the bar is a large painting of a fish under a halo; in the backgroung are hundreds of Indians having intercourse. Under the painting is a metal plaque that says "Custer's last words." He calls the bartender over and asks why the painting of a haloed fish and the coupling couples is titled "Custer's last words." The bartender says, "Holy mackeral, look at all the f*****g Indians!"

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893 Posts
Three couples are eating breakfast at a country Inn outside Paris, a French couple, an Italian couple and a British couple.

The French husband, drinking coffee, looks over at his wife and says, "Please pass the sugar, sugar."

The Italian man, eating oatmeal, looks at his wife and says, "Please pass the honey, honey."

The British husband has a cup of hot water in front of him. He looks at his wife and says, "Please pass the tea, bag."
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